One of the reasons for who I am.

****** I haven't always had it easy to get my thoughts out on paper. This post was written 3 years after my cancer surgery. There is a better post written just one month after my surgery on My Cancer Journey page. which you can read HERE ***********

Before cancer and surgery

Sitting down to try to write this post for what seems like the millionth time, its hard to put into real words the reason behind me becoming a very "crunchy organic" person. In January 2009, my husband deployed to Iraq just three short months after our first son was born. It was a trying time as many military spouses know. But what made it far worse for me was that just 2 weeks after he left, when my world got turned upside down. For all unknown reasoning, my throat swelled up to 3 times the normal size and I had major issues with swallowing. Little did I know, this was only the beginning of a long,emotional journey.

I got bounced back and forth with Naval hospital doctors until they sent me to an Endocrinologist ,an hour away from our home in North Carolina. The doctor, in his broken english and bad accent, told me that my thyroid was non-functioning and that I needed a biopsy to see if I had cancer.  Just like that, everything seemed to slow down so much and my heart stopped. On my birthday, February 27th, 2009, I went through my first of many biopsies while clutching onto my husband's dog tags and praying that they didn't find anything.

On March 4th, alone in a Walmart parking lot in Oshkosh, WI, I got the phone call that changed my world,I had thyroid cancer and needed surgery ,ASAP, to have a total thyroidectomy and RAI.

In all honesty this is day two of trying to finish this post. How can I put into words the way I felt when i got the news? How can I put into words the life changing event of having cancer? People say that thyroid cancer is the "easy" cancer. People say, "you had surgery, its gone". In fact, it's not easy, it's never actually "gone". The threat of cancer coming back is always there. Every doctors appointment, every throat pain, every voice failure. But anyway to go on with my story.

I sat there feeling like I couldn't breath, couldn't think. I felt like i was spinning in a pitch dark room unable to see. It felt like eternity until I was able to calm myself and try to get a hold of my husband who was overseas.
I remember calling his friend in his unit who was stateside and having my husband call me asap. When he called, I cried answering the phone. How was I supposed to tell my husband, who was deployed for our country, that I had cancer? Through my tears and sniffles, I told him that the doctor called, that I had cancer and needed surgery asap.

In his matter of fact Marine voice, he told me that surgery was what we were going to do. He told me that everything was going to be fine. Which bothered me so much, because that's not what i wanted him to say, not what i needed him to say.  I just wanted to cry on his shoulders, needed to be wrapped up in his arms. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. To anyone.

Sitting there in that parking lot, I cried for what seemed like hrs. Driving home to my parents house all I could think of was getting back to my baby, holding him and never letting go.

My little man and I

My husband was able to get emergency leave to be able to come home for my surgery. He arrived home the day before my surgery and was in shock coming home to a wife who was only 95 lbs when I was 130 lbs just three months before.

On April 4th, 2009 I underwent surgery for a total thyroidectomy. I don't remember much of the day after surgery. Just before my husband went back to Iraq he informed me that the doctors had to let him back into the recovery area, due to me trying to rip out my IV and freaking out over the pain I was in. The doctor told me that I had Hashimoto Thyroiditis (which is an autoimmune disease) along with Stage 1 Papillary cancer. It had spread to a few of my lymph nodes, but as far as he could tell it hadn't gotten any farther. He also informed me that the instrument to test my vocal cords malfunctioned during surgery so he manually tested them instead, and that the my voice should go back to normal in a couple weeks. I could barely talk at all, no one could hear me unless everyone was extremely quiet around me.  My own baby couldn't hear me tell him I loved him or anything.

Just 12 days after surgery

I still am in "recovery" from having cancer, as I will not be able to be considered "normal" again. Doctors always say that this is my new normal. I don't like my new normal. My voice never did return back to the way it was. At this present time I only have one functioning vocal cord. It now tends to fade and get lost sometimes. I still deal with being only 95 -100 lbs every day, which does not help my self esteem any. Its hard when everyone says they want to look like you, or they think you're anorexic,when all I want to do is go back to that girl I once was. I am now on medication for the rest of my life to have thyroid hormones, as they are a very important part of what makes everything work properly in my body. Without them I can't function very well and am extremely exhausted even if they are missed by a few hrs.

My scar most people say they cant notice,but every single day I see it and strive to be better, to be healthier. So that I never have to face those three words again. You have cancer. They are life-changing scary words. I strive to provide the real knowledge of whats actually in the food we eat and the things we bring into our home, so that I know I am taking care of my family the best I possibly can. I don't want any of my loved ones to go through what I did, and am still, going through. Writing this post has made me realize that deep down, it still shakes me to the core. I thank God that I'm still here, able to care for my family and enjoy life.

Three years after cancer diagnosis

Through all the pain, hoping to gain some sense of control, I chose to change everything, the "normal" we had known. I started spending time researching everything we were bringing into our home and eating. I was shocked to find out what was actually in the product we were using and food we were consuming. A lot of people now call me a "crunchy" freak and/or make fun of me for becoming who I am currently. Against all odds, I'm no longer going to let people get to me. I will raise my head high to my critics and keep my family as healthy as I possibly can. Because when life hands you the chance to make things right again, why wouldn't you do everything possible to show your appreciation for this life. Because before you know it, it could flash in front of you, like it did me, changing your whole world!